Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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