I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My bed is full of blood and feathers
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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