Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
