I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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