Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
