my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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