...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He better not be in your backpack
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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