peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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