I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
