Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just found a bag of teeth...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
