I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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