we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
