I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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