I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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