two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
