oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
