I need help removing her.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
