During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dear god my vagina.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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