he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
