Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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