You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
