you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
