you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Randomize
