atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
