just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
