Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
