i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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