remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
FUCK WHALES
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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