I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
