i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
