dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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