You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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