when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
