i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
