Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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