I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
