She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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