I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
