Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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