Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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