i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
