I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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