Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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