your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
