I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
