So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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