M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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