put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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