I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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