with your own penis?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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