Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
