Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Found your dick twin last night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
