He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Come see our sink grown plant.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
