Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
