so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
