the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
