I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish you could order shots online.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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