That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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