yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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